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In the end, some families are unable to maintain their cohesiveness because of family secrets. Yet, there is little written about family secrets and their impact on marriages, children, and kinship relationships. In this essay we will explore why people keep secrets, how they affect relationships and the types of problems that emerge as a result of secrecy. It is important to stress that it is sometimes better to not reveal a secret - if it will cause undue and unnecessary damage with no benefit.

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However, it is the belief of this therapist that most secrets are better brought out into the open. A Divorce: When I was a child divorce was rare compared with today. For most people it was embarrassing to admit to divorce. It was not unusual to attempt to hide a divorce from the community. My parents were divorced when I was 3 years old. When I became school age, I was instructed by my family to say that my father had died if asked by the teacher. B Mental Illness: Even today, when the public knows more than ever about mental illness, many families continue to maintain a shroud of secrecy around a relative who suffers from one of the psychoses, such as schizophrenia.

Years ago these feelings of shame were so powerful that schizophrenic family members were permanently locked away in mental institutions where they were never seen or heard from. Other families locked their mentally ill relative in a room and maintained isolation and secrecy about this person. C Rape: I have a number of female patients who were raped either during their early adolescence, late adolescence or adulthood, and who kept the crime a complete secret.

These survivors of violent rape attacks blamed themselves for the rape and continued to feel guilty well into late adulthood.

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D Women: Sexual issues and various types of sexually transmitted diseases are sources of extreme shame and embarrassment for women because they fear that they will be judged as promiscuous if they admit to a boyfriend that they have an STD. In this case, I am referring to the less deadly types of STD's such as Chlamydia and herpes, rather than the more serious diseases such as HIV, which has this as well as other issues surrounding it.

I have seen many cases in which a woman is reluctant to begin a relationship because she fears rejection if she admits to having an STD. E Adoption: Even today, some families treat adoption as something to be ashamed of. Perhaps this has to do with the fear that they will be judged by others for not being able to have their own children.

You show a fundamental disrespect for your partner

In addition, there are those parents who fear that if their children learn that they are adopted, they will want to find their biological parents and turn away from their adopted ones. As a result, there are those unfortunate families who keep the adoption a secret from their children. F Alcoholism or Drug Addiction: Some attempt to hide their drug addiction for fear of losing their jobs and others fear the loss of their loved ones if they admit to their addiction. The fear of judgment is a powerful motivator for secrecy because people find it difficult to admit, even to themselves, that they have an addiction.

Yet, the possibility of recovery dictates that the addict recognize the addiction and find help. G Job Loss: In our highly competitive society in which success is measured by the amount of money that you make, being laid off, downsized or fired from a job is experienced as extremely painful and leads to feelings of depression for many people. Men feel most stigmatized by losing their jobs because so much of their self worth is measured by their ability to earn a living for their families.

There are actually cases in which a father has lied to his children about his work status, pretending to the child that he still has his old job.

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  7. In one case, the particular father went to work driving a taxi cab, changed his clothes at the garage to fit that of a driver and tried to make a living in this way so that his children and neighbors would not know the truth. H Extramarital Affairs: In example number 6 above, the woman lived a double life. The lover knew of the husband and wanted her to leave the marriage and be with him.

    She didn't want to leave her husband because she did not believe the lover could maintain a serious relationship leading to marriage. In addition, she feared condemnation from everyone and maintained strict secrecy around everything she was doing. She admitted that the entire secret could be discovered by her husband one day but, in fact, she was in denial about this possibility. She was constantly plagued by feelings of guilt, yet, could not stop the affair or leave the marriage.

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    I Homosexuality: When I was a young man, studying for my PhD, the head of my dissertation committee admitted to all of us, students and faculty alike, that he had left his marriage of 25 years and his adult daughters, in order to live in a homosexual relationship with his lover. He had kept his real sexual identity hidden from his wife, children, colleagues, and friends, out of feelings of shame and the fear of rejection.

    It was the era of increased sexual tolerance and greater public awareness that allowed him to "come out of the closet.

    J Gambling: Tragically, in case number 7 above, the wife did not learn the full extent of the dire financial situation for herself and the children until after her husband suddenly died of a heart attack. Learning the reality of the situation was disastrous for her and led to a complete life style change due to the seriousness of the debt. This is not a complete list of all the reasons why families keep secrets. Criminal behavior, violations of the incest taboo, and suicide are additional examples of the many other factors leading to lies and secrets.

    Secrets lead to lies and secrets and lies can have serious consequences. That is really the theme of the novel, The Memory Keeper's Daughter, in which one character's secret and lies lead to more secrets and lies committed by others in the family and community. In the real world, I heard of another case in which a son was not told that his Dad is not his biological father. The father who raised him died of a heart attack caused by congenital heart disease. The son, believing that this was his natural father, assumed that he inherited the same gene for heart disease.

    You know that feeling when you can sense a fight coming on with your partner? You get that knot in your stomach, your blood starts to boil, and your mind races. It's okay to embrace the battle, according to relationship experts Dr. Judith Wright and Dr.

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    Bob Wright — as long as you know what you're really fighting about. Fights are one of your best tools for learning," Judith tells GoodHousekeeping. They're bringing problems up to the service. They're letting you know what you care about, what you really desire, what you really yearn for deep inside.

    They're teaching you so much. The married Chicago-based team wrote a book on the topic, Heart of the Fight , out February 2. They break down the 15 most common fights — and what they really say about your relationship. If you find yourselves blaming each other for who ruined the vacation or whose fault it was that you were late for the dinner party, your expectations are probably out of whack. You probably have some fairytale-type expectations. They advise: "Instead of assigning blame in arguments, figure out what you're so upset about, what went wrong, and how to change it now and in the future.

    We all have these fights: You feel like your partner never does the dishes, or he's constantly leaving the toilet set up. As you probably guessed, it's never really just about that domestic dispute. So instead of fighting over socks, talk about needing to feel valued and ask for help, Bob adds. And you get to be a better team. Fights over finances can strike from a lot of different angles. Maybe one partner is a lavish spender and the other is more frugal, or being short on funds puts a constant strain on the relationship.

    The Wrights say insecurity about money means uncertainty about your relationship. People think, 'If we have enough money, we have enough love. Having resources makes us feel safe and secure. The thought of any scarcity can really trigger some really deep primal fights for couples. Giving your partner the silent treatment, making passive-aggressive jabs, or keeping frustration pent up inside isn't going to fix whatever is bothering you. Either way you both lose. Unless you want to keep the house. Get a job and save for an apartment. I have no friends or family to be with.

    I you do, go to then to live and get support. I feel for women and men both.

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    It is a divorce and it is painful for both no matter what. The same strife, fears, needs, and emotions that need to be worked out and healed. Good luck. I feel you on this one. He makes bank but I am unable to work because I have a newborn. I am considering donating my plasma just to have my own money.

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    After he maxed out his debt he now talks about divorce and his half is debt will be mine while he wines and dines on this controlled community debt. I am so frustrated! Let me mention that my wife was arrested for domestic violence against me. She is verbally abusive and a narcissist.

    So she can stay with a friend for free and I pay her monthly while I work long hours and she physically and mentally abused me? Many states take the ability of the supported spouse to work and what they might earn into account in setting support.

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    Consult with an attorney to see about whether you can get your support payments reduced under the laws of your state. Ex ask me for 2nd marriage theif moved in we got a car loan 4 months later the bastard fled tp his sisters house in texas i recently sued the ass the crooked judge awarded what i need and wanted gave me nothing he a vengeful hardass theif that refuses to what is right he abuses my dog beau and refuses to give him back to me hes a narc i hate every part of this selffish bastard he is ruing my credit lives with a bitch on texas and refuses to pay what the ass owes.

    So the guy says bub u have a new mommy. He goes about his military career.